High School Time in NZ

[High School Time in NZ: Photo by: Will Choi. Licence CC]

I graduated back in 2015; it hasn’t been that long. You think your words and actions don’t matter to me anymore, and that’s right. Still, I look back and remember those times you made me hide in the bathroom for the entire lunch break because I didn’t want to be seen with tears running down my face. I still get the chills by thinking about it. Truth is, the years of being the victim of hate affected me. From nearly crying in class to locking myself in my room after school because of the mental exhaustion, I was slowly losing myself. Luckily, I’m a normal person; and I thank you for helping me become stronger.

Remember the million times you called me fat and ugly? You didn’t need to point it out because I can clearly see it. I can’t stand myself either. Every morning, the mirror gave me a friendly reminder that I have to lose weight and look better; that it was time to do something about my short, curly hair. I didn’t recall asking for your opinion, though. At that time, I was on the verge of fainting because it was 10:00 AM; and the last time I ate was yesterday. I ignored my doctor’s orders to eat at least four times a day just to shut your mouth. He was protecting me from getting an eating disorder. I wasn’t losing pounds, but I was losing my health.

You told me to dress better and let my hair down. I did it on some occasions. Still, you teased me because I didn’t look pretty in a dress. That’s okay. I also hated myself for not looking like the beautiful blonde, skinny girls in the class.

Sorry, but I didn’t mean no harm. I was just trying to make friends and feel included because the lonely Friday nights, summers and weekends didn’t help my depression. When I saw pictures on Facebook which showed almost all the class hanging out at the beach, I thought about suicide for the millionth time. Sure, I did get to hang out and feel included sometimes; but I was always ignored and left behind.

Mom always asked me about my friends and if I was going out. Luckily, I painted a picture all these years that everything is going good and my relationship with my class was perfect. She has no idea about my miserable life, depression, suicide attempts and the fact that sometimes, I didn’t want to go to school. The routine was the same: get up, go to school, survive, go home, repeat. People wonder how I actually survived for six years.

Remember when you went too far and cyberbullied me in 12th grade? You said in that Facebook group message that I invite myself everywhere, and others started to roast me in many ways. Others said things like “let’s invite her somewhere and never show up to make her feel bad.” I can’t believe you had the courage to add me to that chat so I could read everything you wrote. Bullies… they would do anything to feel like they have the power even if it involves destroying the life of someone else that is already suffering at home. I could have taken this to a court, but I didn’t because mom would have been confused and hurt. After all, it’s my fault for lying to her about everything being OK. 

Yes, I am bisexual. Yes, I do had a crush on this girl from 7th grade to 12th grade. I never came out to anyone during high school because the bullying could have gotten worse. Maybe the way I acted around her kind of said something because you laughed at me for liking girls even though I never said anything about that. The rumors spread, and I had to deny, deny and deny. Thank you for not letting me be myself and adding unnecessary weight on my shoulders. I was already suffering because I have a very religious family. Isn’t that enough for you? You sure love to see me struggle. I already was.

School was the only place I could use to run away from problems at home. Your ego and selfishness was too high that you didn’t care. 

Now, I’m a college sophomore. I started losing weight in 12th grade and letting my hair grow. When I saw you guys after beginning my freshman year, I was surprised and so were you. I didn’t see you for months after graduating in May. It was priceless when I looked at you, and you didn’t say a word because there was no reason to bother me. You couldn’t make fun of my weight because I was already thin with long hair and a few inches taller. I had new friends and changed so much that being miserable was difficult. Happiness was in the air, and you knew it. Your attempts at pushing me down will eventually fail because there was nothing you could do to feel superior.

I hope you had fun being the tough, dominant guys during high school while I was nothing but glass that could shatter easily. Feeding yourselves from my sadness, misery and anger was great, huh? Well, I wish you the best of luck finding a new target because your time ran out with me. I win; you lose.