Broken Dreams

[Broken Dreams: Photo by: Brandon Satterwhite. Licence CC]

I’m not even supposed to be saying this; it’s personal. That’s fine, though. I’ll say it without giving too much information. This happened not too long ago; and it was that kind of experience where you question if you are on the right path. I know I am in the right one. Dealing with obstacles is part of it, but this one takes the cake. 

My major is digital production with a minor in marketing. Of course, I have always been interested in working both in front of the cameras and behind the cameras. Well, I was excited once I got that opportunity to get my first experience in front of the cameras. People always tell me that I have the looks, but boy, they were wrong. Turns out that looks CAN kill. ”You can do it, just believe in yourself,” they said. I thought the passion for the arts and everything else would help me. Wrong. Truth is, I wasn’t in it for the fame or being loved only. I just liked it a lot; and since that time I was the master of ceremony of a show in a huge theatre filled with around hundreds of people, I knew it was my thing. 

Ever since I began, the producer sort of pushed me aside. There were better-looking girls there. I would like to clarify that these classes did not involve putting on a dress or getting make up done. You just showed up with normal clothes, but still, these two girls had silky hair, skinny body and pretty eyes. I was just too ugly for the camera. They got chances at being in front of the camera while the producer reduced me to something similar to being the water girl of a sports team. You’re not good enough to be in the field, so you either stay on the bench or be the water boy/girl. So, there they were… being seem my many people that are admiring their talent.

They stole the show, and just like everyone who is behind the cameras, I had to give them publicity.  Everything came crashing down after a few weeks; seeing them ”steal” my dream was soul crushing. Where was my self-esteem? I don’t know, but the fact that I wasn’t the chosen one because of my looks was terrible.

I have always wanted to be involved in this industry since I was a child, so my 10-year-old self was screaming at that moment. Well, he should have let me known that I wasn’t good enough before I chose my major. Heck, I would have stayed in my hometown enjoying the peace and tranquility of the west side of Puerto Rico. Maybe I would have been a great engineering student at a university close to home. I am not entitled to the fame, the glitz and the glamour as it seems. All the money I spent in housing, tuition, books and everything I needed to study far away and do what I love was for nothing. I’m already a sophomore.

Those were the thoughts that ran through my head. Eventually, I shook it off and continued looking for better opportunities. Still, this is an experience I will never forget. Producers have to power to make other’s dreams come true, but they can also destroy it. One of those two can happen. Unfortunately, I got the second one.

Should I remind you, dear producer, that I am studying to become an expert behind the cameras like you? I hope that some day you work for me. Maybe I will be the one who will murder your dreams just like you did to mines to know how it’s like. You didn’t even say a word about me not being as good as the others, but by the way you acted when you talked to me or acted biased towards them, I knew. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. I just wished you at least gave me one chance. I just wished you would have been honest and told me to stick to marketing and give up digital production. Once you see me being better than you, you’ll be begging me to give you an opportunity. 

Film and TV: it’s a good industry, but it’s toxic in many aspects. It won’t be the last time I run into something like this. Right now, I still question my decision of coming here to study what I love because of this experience. I thought that maybe I should call it quits because I don’t have the good looks. Don’t get me wrong, I have a thick skin; but for some reason, I let this thing break me. 

Hopefully, I don’t feel out of place when I step into my university’s TV studio tomorrow. It’s what I call home, and I want to feel the joy that used to fill my soul before the producer stepped on my ambitions.