Alone

[Alone: Photo by: Andrei Niemimäki. Licence CC]

Dear Social Anxiety,

You keep making me apologize for not being able to look at someone’s eyes when I’m talking to them. I have to keep saying sorry to others for having that strange, nervous look on my face; for shaking a little; for feeling like fainting right before saying a word to them. You’re the reason why I don’t have a best friend; and it’s because you are the only one I have. We’re always together; it’s like we both make a good team. When everything seems to be going great, you appear out of the blue to warn me about a million things that could go wrong. Remember that embarrassing moment I had in high school where I slipped on an ice cube, fell face first to the ground and everyone in the hallway turned their eyes at me? That was years ago. Stop reminding me about the look on their faces and the fact that some of them were obviously hiding their laughter. Speaking of that, thank you for convincing me that there is a 90% chance that the people sitting near me in the cafeteria are laughing at me. I can hear the laughter from here clearly.

Still, I could say you’re a good best friend at the same time. You wreck my nerves, raise my heart rate, make me shiver and drown in fear in every single social interaction I have. I get that you want to “protect” me by having me overanalyze what people say, jump into conclusions in a matter of seconds and overthink about the smallest things. Please, do let me look at the positive side for once because my problems could be solved if I just calmed down… only if you let me.

That conversation didn’t go so well; I know that. Why did you made me panic in front of everyone? Couldn’t you wait until I get home? I had chances to put myself out there like that one time I was invited to a birthday party. Out of the thirty people attending, I only knew about six. Once I got there and parked the car somewhere isolated from everyone so they don’t stare at me as I pretend to text someone, I debated if whether or not it was actually worth it. You said it wasn’t because I would feel weird around people I don’t know. Good point… I would just probably stand on a corner with my drink as people stare at me, asking themselves who am I. After 35 minutes sitting there with my mind going back and forth, I turned on the car and left. That felt like losing a war in which the enemy dominated me the entire time.

I appreciate your “help.” However, it’s time for you to leave. Your attempts at making me avoid everything and keeping me in my comfort zone are no longer needed. I don’t want to keep preparing myself for my next panic attack. Yesterday, I walked around campus. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel self-conscious, worried about people looking at me and my nerves wreck. I made it to class safe and sound without you showing up to disturb my peace. I didn’t need you. That goes to show that I feel better when you’re not around. 

I would love to keep writing, but I’m sitting on a chair by myself in a bar. This friend just showed up to introduce me to his group of friends. I’ll be there in a few seconds. Hopefully, everything goes good and I don’t faint or say something stupid in front of them. Let’s see if I can survive the rest of the night without making an escape and going home early before the fear eats me alive. 

Sincerely,

Everyone who suffered or is suffering because of you.