I am way beyond scared right now. I’ve carefully considered that I really like him, I even confuse the term “Guy I’m dating” and say “Boyfriend”; it doesn’t happen often but it’s happened a few times, strangely increasingly which scares me. I know my flaws and I accept them but they put me in a really open position. Right now I am sure, I like him. He makes me feel special, he’s nice to me, makes me laugh and he gets me, he stands out from the rest… but then again so did the others. The others at some point made me feel special. They were nice to me, they made me smile, they made me laugh and they got me. at some point I got to think that they’d be possible candidate for long term things but after a while I saw their true colors. This left me with disillusionment at first and then two heartbreaks one after the other, the second stronger than the first. The first I expected, after a while it was just obvious, so I was waiting for it, killing it little by little until he would finally murder it a little bit of my heart with it. And then I met the second. This was something else, this was extraordinary, I might even say perfect. I said everything would be fine and in time I said everything would always be fine, I even decided to guard down this time. In as short as that relationship was I discovered more about myself than I ever could. I trusted him to build up my heart which I thought he was doing. the difference was that if the first one murdered me, the second one destroyed me. I was not expecting it and then to pull such a move as he did just completely teared me to shreds. He not only killed a piece of my heart, he destroyed me as a person.
It does not need a genius to know that when it comes to affairs of the heart, it had not been easy. Nobody ever really has it easy. But it does explain quite some why I am scared beyond reason of anything that might happen. I am trusting him but I am scared to open up. As much as I like him I am trying to hold on to whatever is left of me. I will not expect anything. I will live today, I will hope for the better but my fear is far to great, I don’t know what would happen to my if whatever’s left dies. The whole shell things doesn’t really work with me and then I really fear I might fuck up badly. I’d rather be told the truth.
With all hope I’ll just take a step per day.
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