Clearly no correct decision is made with doubts; you’re either sure or not. Last night I sat with myself for a long time to think about a few things all concerning the same topic. My main topic was: Am I sure?
As I’ve been dating this new guy, it hasn’t escaped my mind that he is not only one of my ex’s best friends, I also have agreed to date him less than a month after the break up; two and a half weeks after to be more exact. This sprouted up from a sexual desire and desperation I had. Never did I think clearly and then suddenly a few days later I said yes to dating him and am going through a painfully annoying fighting process considering that we told my ex, we felt like we had to. During this process the guy I’m dating was asked if it was worth it; was I really worth all of this trouble? This made him think so much that he decided to ask me this and blindly I said yes because underneath it all I did like him. I’ve given the answers that he might want but I hadn’t really sat down to think if I really was telling the truth or not.
After seating with myself and very carefully placing all of my thoughts on the ceiling I asked and carefully answered the following questions:
1. Am I doing this to hurt my ex? This question sprouted after I realized what I was doing and with who. The first time we went out, we went out as friends and we hadn’t planned on the backseat of my car to become “Foreplay Playground”. So I started analyzing if this actually had anything to do with their relationship in comparison to mine. I realized it didn’t because while with him that day and every other day, unless we talk of the topic, my ex never went through my mind, so clearly this has nothing to do with him. Not to mention that if I just wanted to hurt him I would’ve done a few things just once and never even talk to the guy I’m dating ever again; being that cold and mean of a bitch comes natural to me.
2. Am I into him just for the sex or do I really like him? This next question was about my cousin. After he hung over my head how bad of an action I had taken and how it was my fault that I had wrecked a friendship, he told me or better yet rhetorically asked me if I knew that this was a relationship just based off of sex. I was never convinced of it but I decided to prove it to myself. I took the opportunity to sexually play around with him as much as I could the last time we met with that in mind. The way I would determine if my cousin was right was by figuring out how I felt afterwards and during breaks. If I didn’t like him I would not miss him afterwards. I would not want any breaks and I would not care for in between conversation. I would not allow him to hold me close and I woulnd’t have even bothered to talk to him afterwards. But none of that happened. Though I did tease and play with him, my favorite moments were when he held me close to him and we would just watch the beach from the backseat of his car while listning to music. The minute we parted I already wanted to hug him again and it bummed me out to know that I’d have to wait a whole other week to see him. I talked to him that night and I wanted to, not to mention that conversation with him is beyond entertaining and it didn’t even have to with that topic after a certain point. While we ate afterwards and while on the phone I wanted to keep listening to him, without even thinking of the sex. Yes those thoughts occasionally crawl into my mind but they quickly change into the non sexual moments, the laughs and the hugs.
3. Is it really worth it? After analyzing both other questions, I’ve yet to think of the most important question; the question I so blindly answered. If the answer to this question would be no I’d walk to him and tell him that I could not do this. I’d rather tell a hurtful truth than a destroying lie. I thought of the scenario and on the inside it sort of affected me. I wouldn’t bear hurt him like that; then I’d truly deserve the scumbag award. But without this thought I recounted all that has happened in the past weeks. I ended up realizing that I never lied, I spoke from the heart and I meant all I said and that worse things can happen. I also realized that he thought I was worth it. All of the trouble I’ve caused and have gone through it is worth it to talk to him the way I do. I don’t care what anyone might say I am confident in what I want and I want to keep seeing him, it’s nice to have a reason to smile again and thanks to the answer to my past questions, it sort of answers itself that it really is all worth it for moments like these:
Three simple questions with complex answers but some thought has finally helped me clear up my messy head and the veredict is that I really want to, I really am sure.